Play The Tape

Play the Tape – I’ve been thinking about what it would mean to relapse. It’s been almost 2.5 years without a drink and for the most part it has been pretty incredible. I’ve been healing a lot of wounds that I didn’t know I had. I’m getting more and more attuned with my body and really getting to know myself. But somedays…somedays are hard. Not in the way you may think either.  Some of these days are heavy and my thoughts can go to dark places.  Old patterns of low self worth creep in and marinate in my brain like an unwelcome guest.  They get so heavy sometimes that my body feels it and I’m reminded how I used to cope with the unpleasant emotions. Those days create a perfect storm of disillusion. The idea of drowning the heaviness with that first drink. 

The Fun Times

There were so many fun times I had with alcohol. I won’t discredit the many good, relaxing, wild moments in time that I had with alcohol as my side kick. Now in reality it was the people or the place or the activity but my brain still likes to trick me into thinking it was, in fact, the drink that offered me that beautiful memory. So, when these days hit they slap me in the face with the enchanting idea of bliss. I think of the first sip of cold, crisp white wine. Cigarette in hand. Long drag and a deep breath as the warmth in my body begins to relax me. The sun is still out, the birds are chirping, and for just a moment everything is falling away. That one minute of make believe that leads me to think it’s all going to be ok.

Stuck in Fantasy or play the tape all the way

This is the part where support groups will say to play the tape all the way through. I can get stuck in the fantasy for longer than I should but I always play the night out and this is how it would go. After the first minute, one of my kids would need something, immediately bringing me back into reality. I would tend to the kids, make dinner all the while taking breaks to try and recapture that first minute. I would sneak outside to steal just a moment of that peace that I romanticize.  The more I sip the more relaxed I would get. It could even be a good progression. I may clean or get the quiet time I crave but I would also drink too much in that time frame.

The night would go on and I would keep thinking to myself, just one more, until I was drunk. The next morning would be the worst part. Waking up with my heart racing and the anxiety swirling like a hot breeze. The rest of the day would bring exhaustion, maybe a headache, dehydration, and brain fog. At the end of the full story, it’s just not worth it. 

Lost Time

The idea of lost time is the part that hits the hardest. The time trying to “relax”, the time trying to recover…so much of it wasted because the goal was never really achieved. Quitting drinking has given me my time back. 

Sobriety looks different for everyone, despite what some will say, that is what I believe. I believe that curiosity comes with answers. You may not have an all day and all night drinking problem but maybe your weekends are getting wasted recovering from the “fun”. Or it could be that you’re relying too much on weed or pills to cope with basic life events. Getting curious about our lives and what we want for ourselves is a great first step towards any goal. Slips and failures are a part of the journey but they aren’t the end of it. Just play the tape first.