Ahhh friendships… I thought about writing about friendships in sobriety but I don’t think that is relevant to my experience. My friendships seemed just fine after I quit drinking. With the exception of a few where drinking was how we got together, I maintained those relationships. So let’s talk about friendships in adulthood because that shit is hard. You hear about seasons and I believe I’m in a season of solitude and reflection.
Conflictions
It’s like my brain is having disagreements though, because one part says, yes, do this. Keep learning about yourself. Grow with your family. This is about you and becoming your authentic self. And then the other part is all…no, we worry about everyone around us. How’s this person and that person? We haven’t talked to people. Why haven’t we? Are you even worthy if you’re not surrounded by friends? If people aren’t knocking down your door to talk, inquire, hang, or need me… am I worthy?
Defining Friendships
At some point in my life, I deemed friendships necessary for my survival. Necessary part of defining who I am. Likable, approachable, funny, sensitive, deep. I only know who I am because they told me who that was. They gave me the adjectives. I’ve never been in a place where I wasn’t surrounded by people. “Friendships” for every need, every stage of life. I never met a stranger. Shy at times, I would find a way to connect, mostly because being alone was terrifying. Without someone else’s identity of me, who AM I? I sat at many tables I didn’t belong at and I became versions of myself that were never me, all in the name of connection.
The more I pull away and focus on me as an individual. I realize it’s not the friendship I was craving. It was being a part of a community that accepts me as me. It’s being who I am with every weird and curious detail and those things being appreciated. It’s having rabbit hole conversations that get your head spinning. Even if you don’t agree with each other, no one tries to change you. They simply understand.
It’s a connection when I just wanted to be seen..like really accepted. It was finding something relatable but instead felt like building mountains with sand. My innate love for humans was a toxic form of self-destruction and all I wanted was to be ok being me.
The Goal
I think we all have been in this place at one point in time. Maybe not in this same way or maybe you figured it out much earlier (geez, I hope so). What I think we all need to realize is we were put on this beautiful planet for a reason. We all carry our own special gifts, quirks, and inherent weirdness.
Sure, we will doubt ourselves along the way and insecurities will come up but standing in who we know to be true…before we were told that’s wrong… that is the special sauce. Fear of rejection is a part of being human, but we all have a part in making that a lot less scary. We may not want a relationship with someone but that doesn’t make them less worthy of kindness and compassion. This wild ride is for all of us. I don’t know what the next phase of friendships will look like for me. Hell, they may not want one anymore. But I know this, I will never abandon myself again. Never again.
