Creating boundaries is essential for facilitating healthy relationships. As I navigate the complexities of parenting, I find myself questioning whether I need to create better boundaries with my kids to foster a healthier family dynamic. I’m learning the importance of separating their growth from mine, recognizing that establishing clear limits not only nurtures their independence but also supports my own personal development as a parent. But how do I create better boundaries with my kids?
Boundaries was not something discussed or valued in my family of origin. Certainly not because it didn’t matter but more so because they didn’t know better. We can only hope that our parents are doing the best they can with what they know. I’ve realized that unless these topics are mentioned, the awareness of them are null. Interdependence, a term that is new to me, is when people share roles and recognize the value of their emotional connection, while maintaining a sense of self. Now that I know better, I can do better and in turn instill these lessons into my children.
Challenges of Boundaries in Mamahood
In my quest for emotional intelligence, I inadvertently dove deep into making my children’s lives as pain-free as possible, neglecting the delicate balance of interdependence that healthy families thrive on. Instead of numbing in obvious ways, I channeled my energy into an overprotective parenting style, failing to recognize that our growth and well-being are interconnected, not separate entities. Have I transferred my own struggles onto my kids?
As the mom of a teenager, I notice her struggles being very similar to those I faced at her age. This realization has been both enlightening and heartbreaking, prompting me to question whether my attempts to shield her from pain have inadvertently prevented her from developing crucial coping skills. It’s becoming clear that my well-intentioned efforts to create a perfect childhood may unintentionally limit her emotional resilience and problem-solving abilities. This observation has sparked a deeper reflection on how my own unresolved issues might be influencing my parenting approach and, consequently, shaping my daughter’s emotional landscape.
The Pitfalls of Self Sacrifice
In a desperate attempt to save them from feeling the way I have, I lost sight of the importance of mutual support and reciprocal growth in our relationship. I abandoned my own needs in a perfect storm of martyrdom, forgetting that my well-being directly impacts theirs, and that by neglecting myself, I was inadvertently modeling unhealthy patterns of self-sacrifice rather than teaching them the value of balanced interdependence.
Neglecting personal needs can lead to burnout and resentment in motherhood. It depletes emotional resources, making it harder to parent effectively. Unintentionally, this behavior models unhealthy self-sacrifice to children. Kids may learn to ignore their own needs or expect others to do so. This pattern can perpetuate cycles of codependency and poor boundary-setting in future relationships
The Reality for Moms
Unpopular opinion: Motherhood can be a real bitch. We’re supposed to abandon ourselves for the sake of these beautiful babies’ livelihood. We give our bodies, our hearts, and our minds to their needs. Efforts are made to keep some version of ourselves alive but it inevitably changes. We adapt to better serve and protect these tiny humans we brought into the world. The love is so intense it’s hard to breathe. So how do people do this? To love so deeply and then be ok with letting go?
Each child brought a different experience from delivery to milestones, but, without a doubt, I believe they were picked just for me. We are here to teach each other and man, those lessons keep coming.
Creating Boundaries, Bonds, and Balance
The thing about me is that I’m always actively working on how I can show up best in my relationships. From my spouse to my kids, I tend to show up in a way that doesn’t rock the boat too much. There’s understanding and patience but sometimes at the risk of accommodating everyone’s feelings. I’m learning that there is a balance to this. My needs matter just as much as the beautiful family I’m raising. In this house we all need to value each other. Our job as parents is to not only nurture our families but take care of ourselves.
Set Clear Expectations
Creating boundaries with our kids can’t be that hard, right? Even though it may be a subject we never learned, I believe it’s something that we are all capable of handling. It starts with clear communication about expectations and limits. This may be different in every household but should be started as young as possible. This could be using respectful language or helping around the house. Every age will offer updated expectations.
Teach Respect For Space and Time
We can teach them to respect our personal space and time. This one is a biggie for me. I know how hard it is to put yourself above the kids. Their needs are typically so demanding and sometimes the capacity to handle it all is too much. Just as a flight attendant will tell you to put your oxygen mask on first, your self care needs to come first. We cannot pour our love, values, and lessons from an empty cup guys. This is a reminder to myself to take the nap, the break, eat the snack, or take the walk (alone) for your sanity. They will thank you for it (eventually).
Just Say No
It’s okay to say “no” or “not now” when we need to. Setting these limits teaches children that their feelings and needs are valid, just as ours are. Modeling these boundaries shows kids how to establish their own healthy relationships, empowering them to advocate for themselves and prioritize their well-being. By demonstrating that it’s acceptable to assert their needs, we help them develop the confidence to navigate social interactions and maintain balanced connections throughout their lives.
The Journey Never Ends
What a gift we have as parents to be able to love our children well while also loving ourselves. While our parents may not have had this knowledge, we get to pass down important and empowering gifts to our kids—lessons about self-worth, creating boundaries, and the importance of nurturing both personal and family relationships. By modeling this balance, we create a legacy of love and respect that will resonate through generations, teaching our children to value themselves and others in every aspect of their lives.
